i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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