My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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