Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
