if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
