Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
