I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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