Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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