I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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