You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
