mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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