can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
