pop tarts are not kleenex
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
