The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your face is a jimmy john
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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