is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
