when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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