i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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