I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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