How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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