the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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