Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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