Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My pussy is not your playground.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
