She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
