____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize