An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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