Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
