Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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