you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
