my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
