Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
