If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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