Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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