some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
