I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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