don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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