the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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