there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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