Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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