the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
