My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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