so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
