I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
