he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
