i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
