dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
