How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
