I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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