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i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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