I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
