At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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