Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
