Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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