Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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