I wish I could teleport
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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