Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
