I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
