i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
