Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You made out with two different species that night
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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