And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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