I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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