Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize