Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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