how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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